sexta-feira, março 22, 2013

Gotika: arquivos Abril 2004

abril 18, 2004


Podes ser um gótico se...

E para acabar com as dúvidas - como se!... - do mesmo A Goth in the Night, uma listinha que me faz corar.
(Acto de contrição: as piadas em que enfio a carapuça estão a bold para que se possam rir de mim à vontade)


You might be a Goth if...

You pay 12 bucks for cigarettes that match your outfit
You wear sunglasses in a department store at night
You won't get in a fight because it might smudge your make up
You wake up still drunk at 3 in the afternoon with anonymous black lipstick on your face
People can't tell whether you're searching for a missing contact or dancing
The only day you feel normal is Halloween
You don't know if the person you're sleeping with is guy or girl 'til you get to third base
You don't care
The shade of powder you wear is called "Sheet Of Paper"
You were rooting for the vampires in "From Dusk Til Dawn", "Lost Boys", etc.
The Count was your favorite Sesame Street character as a child
You watch Sesame Street as an adult just to see The Count
You wear long, velvet or leather coats in the middle of summer
You think dead flowers are prettier than live ones
You think anything dead is pretty
You refer to your age in mortal years
You give yourself the honorary title of Lord or Lady
You dressed as The Crow for Halloween one year
You have dressed as The Crow for Halloween the past few years
You"ve been dressing like the Crow since Halloween two years ago
The club you frequent has concocted an original drink called "The Vampire's Kiss"
You buy $15 fishnets and rip them on purpose
You think blood is "pretty"
Your combat boots cost more than it takes to feed a third world child for two years
You've willingly undergone cosmetic dental surgery
You own 16 or more Sisters of Mercy c.d.'s
Friday the Thirteenth is your lucky day
You can't decide whether Morticia Addams or Lily Munster is prettier
You decide Wednesday blows them both away
You could easily blow $500 in a Halloween store
You could spend $500 just on make up
You could spend $500 just on make up... in a halloween store
You were disappointed to find out that "American Gothic" is a portrait of two farmers
You claim the Columbine kids are friends/relatives of yours
You own a hearse
You own a hearse and don't work in a funeral parlor
You keep a coffin in the back as "decoration"
You keep a coffin in the back as a bed
You think of the hearse as the "family car"
You think heresy is a religion
You claim heresy as YOUR religion
You own a rosary that you wear
You own many rosaries that you wear
You own a glow-in-the-dark rosary that alternates between your neck and the rearview mirror in your hearse
You fashion your eyeliner after a culture that's been dead over 2000 years
You wish to name your first born Lestat
You plan to name your first born after ANY Anne Rice character
You didn't know they were characters
You think bats are "cute"
You argue on whether Poppy Z. Brite or Anne Rice has the more realistic view on vampires
You can debate both sides of that argument
You've participated in one of those "Do you think Tom Cruise was good as Lestat?" conversations
You've started one of those conversations
You and your friends enjoy congregating in a local graveyard
No one you know is buried there
You and your friends take lengthy drives to visit non-local graveyards
You take pictures of the gravestones while reciting Oscar Wylde or singing "Cemetry Gates" by The Smiths
You know the words to "Cemetry Gates" by The Smiths
You know who The Smiths are
Your favorite poem is "The Raven" by Edgar Allen Poe
Your favorite poem is "Metamorphosis of a Vampire" by Charles Baudelaire
You spell Vampire either Vampyre or Vamphyre
Your boyfriend complains that his ribs just don't stick out the way they used to
Your girlfriend complains that you look better in her black velvet skirt than she does
You refer to others as "The Normals" or even "the Norms"
You refer to your leather-clad brethren as "Those Industrialites" or "Industrial-heads"
You can reminisce through all 4 names the Saphir had and all 6 reopenings the Sphinx had
You can't even tell whether you're looking for a missing contact or dancing
You are happy when no one has ever heard of your favorite band
When someone else "discovers" your favorite band, you find another favorite band
Christians accost you with pamphlets on the street frequently
Jehovah's Witnesses accost you with pamphlets on the street frequently
You accost Christians with pamphlets on the street
Satanists just look at you and smile
You laugh hysterically during those Church Of Latter-Day Saints commercials
You call for the free Bible anyway
You take great pleasure in vandalizing said Bible after waiting impatiently by your mailbox for 4-6 weeks
You stop vandalizing the Bible momentarily to look up Psalm 69
In your honest opinion, the image of Jesus ruins the beauty and natural fluidity of the cross
You've been with your significant other for over a year and still wonder what they look like without make up
You and your boyfriend fight over make up
You decide to get matching his/hers make up caddies to separate your make up
You smudge your lipstick on purpose to look like Robert Smith
You eat those limited edition pop-tarts just because they have bats on them
You save them because Hey!...they're limited edition
You call them goth-tarts
You know what Renfield's Disease is
You have Renfield's Disease
You have taken anything on this list personally
You were offended

Se a carapuça também vos serviu, bem vindos à negritude da escuridão da noite eternamente sombria.

Publicado por _gotika_ em 06:56 AM | Comentários: (7)


Será que sou gótico/a e não sei?...

Tenho recebido alguns mails relativos ao movimento gótico que se podem separar em duas grandes categorias:
- os das pessoas que não têm a certeza se são góticas
- os das pessoas que acham que têm uma mente gótica mas não sabem o que fazer “agora”

Para os primeiros não tenho resposta. Se os próprios não sabem, quem saberá?

Já para os segundos... Bem, um dia destes prometo contar a minha própria experiência com o movimento e como fui “atraída” para os antros góticos como uma traça para a luz - salvo seja! É uma história bonita e hoje não estou com inspiração para a contar como deve ser.
Quando somos muito novos, é preciso vencer o isolamento, sair da concha e procurar as pessoas que têm a ver connosco. Sim, eu sei que é difícil. Já lá estive, remember?
Se são tão novos que ainda não têm idade para frequentar lugares nocturnos, não os frequentem. A sério. Acreditem quando vos digo que, se tiverem sorte e companhia à altura, têm todo o tempo do mundo para viver o que tiverem que viver. (Além disso, era só o que faltava estar aqui a desviar criancinhas, livra!)
Ouçam música. Procurem música. Conheçam a música antiga e a nova. Conselho pessoal: podem não ter conversa sobre mais nada mas assegurem-se de que sabem falar de música!
Procurem cultura. Leiam livros. Conheçam autores. Comprem livros, emprestem e peçam-nos emprestados. Pesquisem as referências que encontrem na música. Debatam essas ideias com os outros.
Procurem outros. Nunca deixem de procurar outros. Nunca acreditem que as nossas almas gémeas moram na porta ao lado. Não moram!
Quando tiverem a sorte de encontrar uma alma gémea, não descurem essa amizade. É rara e valiosa.

Agora vou falar para os meninos crescidos, aqueles que já podem sair à noite sozinhos. ;)
Como encontrar lugares frequentados por góticos? Ora, por amor de Deus, é óbvio!
Não gosto de divulgar nomes de locais porque detesto curiosos a meter o nariz onde não pertencem - já aqui o disse - mas é tão simples!
Sigam a malta vestida de preto. Resulta em qualquer parte do mundo.

Depois... Depois é uma questão de sentir. Afinal, o que é que une todas estas pessoas tão diferentes senão uma forma de sentir - de sentir a vida, a morte, a arte e a beleza - uma forma de sentir que muitas vezes é a única coisa que temos em comum?

Entretanto, não resisto sem vos aconselhar a visita a um site fabuloso feito por uma rapariga que por acaso é americana - o que no movimento gótico não quer dizer nada - e tem um enorme sentido de humor, chamado A Goth in the Night (Uma Gótica na Noite). Aqui ela goza com todos os clichés e estereótipos associados ao movimento gótico e conta algumas histórias verdadeiras que de facto me fizeram rir às gargalhadas. A inteligência também é sabermos rir de nós próprios. No movimento gótico, a auto-crítica é feroz e o sarcasmo é o pão nosso de cada dia. Temos prazer em gozar com a nossa própria goticice? Talvez. É muito provável. E também faz parte do todo.
Por isso vou transcrever algumas máximas da I’m so Goth list, principalmente aquelas que têm mais a ver com a realidade portuguesa. Não vou traduzir porque perde metade da piada.
Agora é uma questão de distinguir a verdade da mentira. Porque, afinal, não há fumo sem fogo...
(As minhas preferidas estão a bold. Divirtam-se.)


I'm so goth, whenever I walk into a room, all the lights go out.
I'm so goth, in preschool, the only crayon I used was black.
I'm so goth I use black cotton balls.
I'm so goth my diapers were pvc.
I'm so goth I wear pvc pajamas.
I'm so goth I know what pvc stands for.
I'm so goth my black is blacker than your black. I call it "black black."
I'm so goth people touch me and they BECOME goth. They say, "Oh no, now I'm goth!"
I'm so goth I don't paint my nails black--I bash them with a hammer.
I'm so goth I wear sunglasses when I open the refrigerator.
I'm so goth, whenever I knock on somebody's door they give me candy.
I'm so goth I died and didn't notice.
I'm so goth, I'm not only "goth," but also "gothe" "goff" "gawth" "gauwth" "gothic" "gothik" "gothique" and "gawfickk" and soon I hope to be "gauewthickueu."
I'm so goth I write everything on black paper with a black pen in the dark and can never read what the hell I've written!
I'm so goth, when I stop pouting, people ask, "What are YOU so happy about?"
I'm so goth I offered to sell my soul to the devil and he wouldn't take it!
I'm so goth, when I was born, the doctor asked me, "What's with the shades?"
I'm so goth, when I go outside, the sun sets.

goth #1: I'm so goth the smile muscles in my face have atrophied.
goth #2: I'm so goth the smile muscles in my face never GREW.
goth #3: What's a smile?

I'm so goth I say things like "eternally yours in darkness" and "love and darkness" and "may the eternal darkness of the abyss enrapture and enshroud you in its infernal sickly sweet embrace."
I'm so goth I don't use fabric softener, because I like pain.
I'm so goth I'm shocked by heterosexuality.
I'm so goth I set off airport metal detectors from ten feet away with all my jewelry.
I'm so goth I have rigor mortis whenever I'm with my girlfriend.
I'm so goth I killed myself . . . twice.

goth #1: I'm so goth a little rain cloud follows me wherever I go and rains on me.
goth #2: I'm so goth I AM the rain cloud.

I'm so goth I got a tattoo of celtic knotwork starting at the top of my head, winding all the way down my body, and trailing five feet behind me on the floor.
I'm so goth it takes me an hour and a half to get dressed.
I'm so goth it takes me longer to get UNdressed.
I'm so goth I'm dead.
I'm so goth I think electrical tape is a fashion accessory.
I'm so goth I carry black food dye around in case I have to eat anything that's not black.
I'm so goth I look like Michael Jackson.
I'm so goth, in preschool, all my drawings were titled, "DEATH."
I'm so goth, in high school, all my papers were titled, "DEATH."
I'm so goth, as soon as I was born I put eyeliner on. And I put on too much.
I'm so goth I think Jesus might have been a vampire.
I'm so goth I wore corsets in preschool.

goth #1: I'm so goth I wonder if my dog's collar would look better on me.
goth #2: I'm so goth I KNOW my dog's collar looks better on me.
goth #3: I'm so goth I stole my dog's collar.

I'm so goth I ate a Happy Meal . . . because I like to live dangerous.
I'm so goth little kids are mesmerized by my appearance.
I'm so goth parents leg their kids when they see them mesmerized by my appearance.
I'me soe gothe ie thinke puttinge e'se one thee endse ofe mye wordse ise medaevale ande deepe.
I'm so goth I've been banned.
I'm so goth I don't take my medications, so I can be more goth.
I'm so goth I make flowers wilt.
I'm so goth I like them better that way.
I'm so goth, when I was born the doctor slapped me and I didn't cry.
I'm so goth, when I smile people ask me what's wrong.
I'm so goth little old ladies in walkers cross the street to insult me.
I'm so goth I keep getting hit on by necrophiliacs!
I'm so goth I practice my blank stare in the mirror.
I'm so goth I tried to be a hippie once and hugged a tree--and it died.
I'm so goth I pierced both my nipples--does that shock you?--then I went to the genetic engineering lab and had my genetic structure altered to grow another nipple, then I had THAT one pierced.
I'm so goth that whenever I walk into a room, you hear "Toccata and fugue in D minor."
I'm so goth I have actually seriously uttered the phrase, "the darkest dark of the dark darkness."
I'm so goth I listen to The Sisters of Mercy and Bauhaus simultaneously at midnight in a graveyard sitting in a pentagram surrounded by candles . . . and oh, there's a full moon . . . and then I die. And then I come back to life. And then I die again . . . tragically.

goth #1: I'm so goth, when I'm sleeping people come and check my pulse.
goth #2: I'm so goth I don't have a pulse.

I'm so goth the people at the suicide hotline have asked me to stop calling.
I'm so goth tan lines are a sin.
I'm so goth I was adopted by the Addams family.
I'm so goth people keep asking me if I feel okay.
I'm so goth the dark is scared of ME.
I'm so goth I'm catholic.
I'm so goth nuns and priests resent me because I look cooler in black than them.
I'm so goth I know how to spell Siouxsie & The Banshees correctly.
I'm so goth I . . . wear . . . my . . . sunnnnnglasses at night (sung with a Corey Hart pout).
I'm so goth the various and sundry layers of my Gothness are profoundly horrified of each other.
I'm so goth I became a fisherman, just so I could use fishnets.
I'm so goth, my dog goes "bauhaus, bauhaus!"
I'm so goth I sleep UNDER my bed.
I'm so goth, Robert Smith asked ME for my autograph.
I'm so goth I spend every waking moment, every breath, in contemplation of Goth. The totality of my being is at one with the essence of Goth.

goth #1: I'm so goth I changed my name to Mystryss Darque Wintyr Nyght Rayn Ravyn.
goth #2: I'm so goth I don't have a name. I'm just "goth."

I'm so goth all I do is sit around and talk about how goth I am.
I'm so goth I always use the word "goth" instead of "got."
I'm so goth every sentence I say has the word "goth" in it.
I'm so goth I'm the only person who understands what goth REALLY is, and I'm not telling you!

Publicado por _gotika_ em 06:22 AM | Comentários: (5)


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Comentário:
Link para A Goth in the Night já não existe.
Se não percebes pelo menos 60% destas piadas, mesmo tendo em conta as diferenças culturais, não és gótico. És um poseur.

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