More adventures in the middle [of the] earth

I finally got into Mordor.
I joined the forces of the dark army as a disguise to accomplish my mission. Me and other poor recruited comrades soon were taken to a creepy room where it was said we would have something called "training". There appeared Lady Saruman, as I call her, because her tongue was sweet but she was evil as evil can be and she never fooled me. Our mission was to set attack upon the allies of the enemy who were tempted to turn back to the Good Side of the Force (move to the competition). Musn't let that happen was her motto. And to obtain her goal we were put under the orders of an awful little man who I'll call the Obnoxious Little Orc who would whip us senseless and not allow us to go to the bathroom amongst other tortures.
Half of my fellow comrades in misfortune didn't last the first day. Disappeared, they did, and were not to be seen again. Many more were to follow.
I stood to the very end, disheartened as I was, for I have The Burden (I really need the money).
And so it came to pass that after two days, no more, when I arrived to the Room of Torture I was told by some of my few surviving comrades that the project was no longer! Sauron, the Dark Lord himself, had cancelled it. So the army had been sent to attack the cable tv customers instead. That would not suit my plans, and it would not do, not at all!
Lady Saruman and the Obnoxious Little Orc, defeated, were nowhere to be found, but that was not good news to my mission. In their place, there was this gracious young elf who was in charge of the survivors.
I told him I didn't want to join the cable tv army if I had to pay with my life for it.
"But why?", he asked with genuine surprise.
"Well... ermmmm... ermmm....", I looked for words, but the real answer was "I don't even know what cable tv is, you idiot!", so I diverted the subject: "Where is Lady Saruman and the Obnoxious Little Orc? I wish to have a word with them".
He looked most puzzled. Poor young Elf under the spell of the enemy, I see!
"O Elbereth! Gilthoniel! I do not know them! I'm not even sure what I'm doing here. I'm not from this realm at all!", he answered.
There I saw a good opportunity to escape and I indeed I sought it. Now, back home in the cosy Shire I look for other strategies to penetrate in the heart of the enemy. Not that I want to go there but I have not much choice.
Provisions are running short, alas! But I still have beer. I'm saving it for a merry occasion.
Now I must go. Messages have to be sent to all the corners of Mordor telling the enemy they have a willing soldier to enter their ranks of abuse and torture! Make me a slave, oh make me a slave! I need to eat for Elbereth's sake! And look, I have the Ring, I have the Ring! Take me! Take me!